My thought: Assuming that this is just extra info and you are Robin
Eyes like ocean blue. A body beyond my wildest dream. The first time I saw you. I told myself, I had never seen.
My thought: "eyes like ocean blue" has great imagery, but it is cliche and so is "beyond my wildest dream" in the second line. I like the flow, and the ABAB format, as well as the literary devices, but I would improve on original ones.
Butterflies inside of me. You just aren't from this planet. How come you are all I see. While you are so far out of my league, damn it!
My thought: "butterflies inside of me" is cliche. What do you mean from the second line? I assumed you mean she/he is hot. The fourth line ruins the entire poem for me. You had me in this romantic, flowing spell and then the cursing completely killed it. Poetry and cussing is very hard to pull off, and I usually never like the poem even if they do it right. They are just too strong of words with little imagery or meaning to back it up. It feels angry and insincere when you use them.
Even if I would be surrounded. By thousands of women who look so pretty. I would still pick you out of it. Because you are the only one I see.
My thought: It's all over the place. It's awfully cliche, there is no rhyme scheme and the flow doesn't work well.
Rejected again and again. I guess I was never in your plan. For another man you fell. And turned my life into a hell.
My thought: Rhyme scheme ABCC confuses me, as the other rhyme scheme was perfectly fine. Flow is okay, not great.
He had everything I didn't have. A pretty face and a great voice. My head kept on repeating his laugh. It made me believe he was the right choice.
My thoughts: Getting better, even with a ABCB rhyme scheme. I like the flow a lot.
But I never gave up on you. As tears turned into a waterfall. And my feelings were so blue. Hoping to be awakened by your call.
My thought: Flows a little weird, but the original rhyme scheme is back. Watch out for cliches on the 2nd line.
Being realistic is the hardest thing. I just can't accept we don't have that fling. And why is a word I said so many times. Why is the word that comes up in all my lines.
My thought: Rhyme scheme changes suddenly again as it becomes AABC. I'm not sure why you keep changing it.
Why wait for a woman who rejected me so much? Why wait for a women who I can't even touch? Why throw your life away for one with a bit of flair? Why for someone who doesn't even care?
My thought: You made the rhyme scheme AABB this time. I like the repeating, although be careful with that, as if you overdo it it can make your poem boring and dull.
Seconds keep ticking away 24 hours are still making a day 365 of those make a year. But after all the waiting, you're still not here.
My thought: One of your strongest stanzas, the flow is great. I see you kept the AABB pattern, but it sounds great right here.
The Hourglass of my life flows on. How much time left? It only shows. All those years of waiting, they are gone. I am not the man you chose.
My thought: Back to a ABAB pattern. The stanza, like a couple others, is a bit cliche.
All the time I have wasted. Why did I wait for you? All those pictures I pasted. In an album that helped me through.
My thought: I like this one. ABAB pattern, it flows pretty well. Lots of imagery.
On those pictures we were young. I was in love, you were my dream. But you thought it was wrong. And declared my love as just a scene.
My thought: Suddenly switches to a ABCB pattern. I think that some of these patterns are done by accident...and if so I would try to improve your rhyming word lists.
Remember, I even wrote you that song. And entitled it : why do you think I am wrong? I did my very best and it only made you angry at me. Why didn't I stop? Why couldn't I see?
My thought: AABB pattern. Interesting stanza, even if the flow is odd.
And now I am a man who is old and grey. Who wishes he could see you once more, just to say. That his feelings still haven't gone away. And that he will continue the path his lonely way.
My thought: The AAAA pattern bores me a little, and always struck me odd. Away and way sound too similar to be a true poetic rhyme.
Maybe you will follow me there someday. And wrap your hands around mine. Your lips will move for me and say. Those feelings weren't wrong but fine.
My thought: Back to the ABAB format. Flow is weird, but decent.
The lonely way then wouldn't be so lonely. But it will be until that day arrives. My life will flow away from me. As I walk on thinking about our lives.
My thought: I love the ABAB setup, and the flow is great. I don't like the repeat of lonely the first line, and I would delete the first one, and maybe fill it in with a better word so it isn't repetitive.
Time isn't on my side, the hourglass still flows. It seems there are only a few drops of sand. I need you to know that you will always be the one I chose. Forever and beyond, even at my life's end...
My thought: The last line doesn't feel lines to me. The flow is okay.
Keep in mind: poetry often doesn't need to grammatically correct, and poetry usually is the art of using maximum imagery with minimum words. Rhyming poems sound more happy and childlike, ones that do not are more serious.
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Bluefley has a gallery filled with artwork that whisks you off in to a Sci-fi daydream, and keeps you captivated for hours. Marc has been a member of our community for over a decade and has achieved nothing but success with his astounding commitment to interacting with the community, sharing a prolific amount of video tutorials and generally being an all round rockstar deviant. It is no joke that we are absolutely delighted to award the Deviousness Award for April 2014 to ... Read More